I want to want nothing, but I don’t know how.

16Dec
Almighty God, give us grace to cast away the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light, now in the time of this mortal life in which your Son Jesus Christ came to visit us in great humility; that in the last day, when he shall come again in his glorious majesty to judge both the living and the dead, we may rise to the life immortal; through him who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.
- Collect for Advent

Forever. Ten days out from the end of her life, my mother lay quietly in her bed, clutching a soft toy Easter Bunny, an infant’s snuggly. Our Rector, Andrew had pulled the guest chair close to mother’s bed so he could speak to her softly. 

Gently coaching, Andy said, “Marjorie; maybe you can help me with this prayer…” He began, “The Lord is my shepherd…” Andy paused. In a voice far clearer than we had heard in days, mother said with gorgeous humility, “I want nothing.” This from a woman who, over 105-years had enjoyed much, who had accomplished much; and willingly and unselfishly gave it all away. All of it.

In that moment I came to know just how beautiful such emptiness can be. I imagine it as the sort of beautiful emptiness practiced by the ordinary folks who released self-ful aspirations, youthful dreams, and personal safety; challenging cultural convention to bring the Son of God into this world. Three weeks into Advent, I look at my preparedness for the arrival of Emmanuel and ask, “… how beautiful is my emptiness?” I want to want nothing, but I don’t know how.

Holding mother’s hand, Andrew continued through the 23rd Psalm, “…Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord…” Andy paused, then asked, “Marjorie, how long will we dwell in the house of the Lord?” 

“FOREVER!” Marjorie answered, in the certain voice of one who was staring into a “forever” filled with an uncountable infinitude of God’s Love. As with her “I want nothing.”, my mother’s “forever” will always carry the ineffable beauty and optimism of God’s eternity. That would include the part of God’s eternity, right here in this life. Now. Here is where I can cast off the works of darkness and fear no evil. Oh, I want to fear no evil, but sometimes I just don’t know how.

I recently attended the funeral of a good friend, a fascinating man of deep curiosity. The Roman Catholic priest read the 23rd Psalm in the funeral liturgy. I closed my eyes and leaned into the words. “… Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,.;” he read, “…and I will dwell in the house of the Lord, for many years to come.” My eyes slammed open. Are you kidding me? My agitated imagination showed me a fictitious neighbor saying, “I love my new Tesla, I hope the battery lasts for ‘many years to come’.” Bill, you have better. You have forever.

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe our Christmas awe for the Infant Son of God lasts for about the half-life of a Tesla battery charge. John’s Gospel, reminds us that the Word, “was with God in the beginning.” [John 1:2] and “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” [John 1:5] Forever.   

Musical Reflection - Mary, Did You Know - Jubilant Sykes

God of forever, Father and Son, help me to seek you from before we were. Grant me the assurance of a place in your forever; as I adore you lying in the straw, holding a lamb snuggly fashioned of combed wool and a lock of a shepherd’s hair. Free me of my wanting and fearing that I may draw ever closer to you. Amen.

DeathBCP
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